Here’s where the top 20 NBA free-agents will (possibly) end up:
- Kawhi Leonard: Retires from NBA and signs 10-year max deal with BioFreeze and becomes top spokesman for the cooling gel. Then Lowry and Siakam beg him, and he un-retires, signs a short-term deal with Raptors, runs it back once or twice before bolting for the Clippers.
2. Kevin Durant: Retires and starts medical school at UCSF with a focus on the Achilles. Then un-retires and signs with Nets.
3. Kyrie Irving: Starts a podcast called: Kyrie Questions Everything, in which he brings in experts from various scientific fields and poses entirely unrelated questions. Signs with Nets.
4. Jimmy Butler: Sign-and-trade to Houston, Philadelphia gets draft picks from New Orleans; Pelicans receive Clint Capela and Eric Gordon
5. Kemba Walker: Signs with Celtics, replacing Kyrie Irving. Celtics play Tatum and Hayward at power forward and split the center minutes between 2nd year big Robert Williams, rookie Grant Williams, and vet Semi Ojeleye.
6. Klay Thompson: Spends the year rehabbing his knee and walking a pack of dogs around Lake Merritt. Also: signs max deal with Warriors.
7. Khris Middleton: Signs up for Film classes and also signs max deal with Bucks.
8. Al Horford: Opens a new restaurant in Dallas called Horford’s Hoagies. Also signs 4 yr deal with Mavs. Damn Texas state taxes convincing free-agents to choose their teams.
9. DeMarcus Cousins: Becomes a professional dart thrower. Also signs a modest two-year deal with Warriors, in hopes of something bigger in July, 2021.
10. Kristaps Porzingis: Asks Luka Doncic if he wants to join him on a cross-country road trip in August in order to get to know each other better. Luka declines. They watch movies and eat pizza instead. Both come to training camp overweight. The trio of Luka-Kristaps-Horford becomes intriguing, and improves as the year progresses. Also, Kristaps signs 2 yr deal.
11. Paul Millsap: Denver picks up his team option. After missing his rookie year rehabbing his back, Michael Porter Jr. surprises everyone with how good he is, Denver remains in the top 4 in the West.
12. D’Angelo Russell: After a very good second half of the season, Russell ends up in Phoenix where he and Devin Booker score very often, but don’t defend anyone.
13. Tobias Harris: Ends up signing with the Knicks, poor fella. Try getting any shots up when Dennis Smith Jr., Kevin Knox and Emmanuel Mudiay are on your team.
14. Nic Vucevic: Back to Orlando to see if they can bottle that Magic they found in March and April.
15. Marc Gasol: Very happy to become an honorary Canadian. One year deal with Raptors to see if they can repeat.
16. Malcolm Brogdon: Signs very healthy 3 year deal to stay with Bucks; runs for Wisconsin senate in 2022.
17. Bojan Bogdanovic: Pacers outbid Blazers to keep him in Indiana.
18. Harrison Barnes: Stays in Sacramento, now wily veteran, eventually runs for mayor.
19. Brook Lopez: Stays in Milwaukee, which frustrates him because he enjoys living adjacent to Disneyland, but he’s happy to play with Giannis until retirement. Continues to extend range to 32 feet.
20. J.J. Redick: Signs 2 year deal with Lakers, joining the LeBron-Brow show. Clippers fans and Sixers fans are aghast. It’s okay, the Lakers won’t make it to the Finals in either year with J.J.