In NBA News… (Week of November 15th to November 21st)

76ers Comfortable Waiting Until Summer 2022 To Trade Ben Simmons (Morey and Simmons Should Just Play Scrabble to End this Impasse)

Kings-Jazz Delayed 20 Minutes After Fan Vomits on Court (I’ve Been Considering Attending a Kings Game — Glad I Missed That One!)

Markieff Morris To Miss At Least 10 Games With Whiplash From Nikola Jokic Shove (Heat Still on the Phone with Geico About Insurance Coverage)

Marcus Morris Not Considering Surgery on Knee, Could Return by December 1st (Prefers Limping Indefinitely)

Canada Won’t Allow Unvaccinated Athletes Into Country As of January 15th (Any Home-court Advantage Is Welcome For These Raptors)

Collin Sexton Out For Season After Meniscus Surgery (The Sex-land duo of Collin Sexton and Darius Garland Will Be No-Sex-Land for the Remainder of the Season)

Pelicans Kept Zion WIlliamson’s Surgery Quiet Upon His Preference for Privacy (Hoped Nobody Would Notice Zion’s Absence)

Mavericks to Retire Dirk Nowitzki’s Number 41 On January 5th (Will Hold a 41-Minute Moment of Silence Before the Game)

Tristan Thompson on Kings Struggles: C-Webb and Bibby Aren’t Coming Through That Door (Even If They Came Through the Door, They’d Be Totally Out of Shape and Could Only Give 5–10 Minutes Per Game)

Staples Center To Be Renamed Crypto.com Arena In $700m Naming Rights Deal (Soon the Lakers Will Change…