Interplanetary Trip Advisor Review: Earth

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Dear Space Traveler,

I am transmitting this review on Day 3,650 of my Earth visit. It was recommended I wait exactly this long before submitting this review in order to gather as much data as possible before determining how worthy Earth is of your inter-planetary vacation allotment. In Earth time, this is 10 years. I see the previous review was from 136 Earth years ago, so this is filled with new information.

I arrived here thinking I would stay for approximately one Earth year, which was half of my inter-planetary vacation allotment. I arrived in my Earthling disguise in Phoenix, Arizona, U.S.A on August 19, 2010. The weather was appealingly similar to my home, which was why I chose Arizona as my destination.

At first, my experience on Earth was pleasant. There was new food to eat, and later regurgitate so as not to block my complex internal food-receptacle with Earth matter. There were beautiful sky colors. Humans call them “sunsets.” Being so close to the sun, the thing they call the “sky” is truly mysterious, and fills with colors I had rarely seen on my home planet. There were interesting animals to observe and document. There was something called a snake, which I befriended but then was attacked by. In general, I enjoyed my first few years here.

There is something I must report before I continue: Earthlings are very stupid. Far less advanced than I had realized. They created a small computer called an “I-Pad” and they thought they had the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I bought one and was perplexed at how many limitations it had. The “internet” as they called their satellite transmissions, was consistently failing and wasn’t even able to communicate into space.

Anyway, I began searching for other inter-planetary travelers to commiserate. I did this by using an Earthling dating site, called Match. It was amusing to see so many humans desperate to copulate. I had to watch many Earth films to figure out how to behave in these situations. I failed many times. I was unable to find other inter-planetary travelers. My occasional correspondence with my family was my only connection to the familiar. I began to tire of the same fast-food restaurants and civic events.

Then, in November of 2016, the Earthlings of the U.S.A elected an especially stupid human. Earthlings in Brazil did the same. In Turkey, the same. A pattern of dumber and dumber human leaders were emerging. Unlike on our planet, where only the most advanced are allowed to give advice to the collective, the opposite was happening. Things began to unravel. Earthlings became angrier. Protests became very common, all over the planet.
I moved to California, in search for some answers from the place they call “Silicon Valley,” which is where most inter-planetary travelers desire to travel. It is the land of the more advanced technologies, which are still far beneath our developments. I disguised myself as an advanced computer scientist. I worked for a few of the well-known companies, thinking I would steal some of their secrets. Sadly, they were not working on anything worth stealing. I became despondent, like one of the scavengers on the garbage heap, finding nothing useful.

On many occasions, I thought of leaving earlier than now, but my connections with my home planet had become inconsistent and I was generally depressed. You know how difficult it can be to do anything new once you start to wonder if advanced life exists anywhere. Also, the spaceship needed repairs and the inter-planetary repair team was not available until 2019. Thankfully, they came and repaired the ship and I should be fine to leave after finishing this report.

To conclude the report, I must inform you of the horrendous present moment on Earth. A virus has passed from animal to Earthlings and it has wiped out a large number of Earthlings. Many are sick and everything has stopped. There is less to document since so many humans are staying inside and many events have been canceled. The Earthling scientists are trying to create a medicine for this virus, but they are struggling. The virus had no effect on me. I know because I went into the hospital to document the behaviors of the sick and I did not become ill.

As I prepare to leave the planet, I would not recommend visiting anytime soon. Though the sky colors and the animals are interesting, the Earthlings often create problems for each other, and they are not very advanced in most of their behaviors. The small Earthlings seem to be the happiest, but they are rarely allowed outside right now.

Overall Review: Two stars.

PS. If you do travel to Earth, I recommend the quiet places, where there are few Earthlings.

Writing. Poetry. Personal Essays. On the NBA, MLB, media, journalism, culture, teaching and humor.

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