James Harden Could Win A Regular Season Game With…

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Image for post
photo via Julia Maudlin @ Visual Hunt

1. Four palm trees as teammates, resting on a hammock between two of them at halftime.

2. A dozen roses with thorny stems in his right hand.

3. The Ghostbusters theme song stuck in his head.

4. A Charlie Brown-style rain cloud hovering above his head. After all, his threes do indeed make it rain on the competition.

5. One sneaker on and one sneaker off.

6. A 10-second shot clock, with the PA announcer counting down the seconds on each possession.

7. An even longer beard, which would occasionally be a problem for the roses he must hold.

8. Three resurrected Golden Girls, and the still living Betty White, as teammates.

9. Nothing on his feet at all, no sneakers, no socks, no toe ring.

10. Virtual Reality goggles on, plus Jamiroquai and three cloned Jamiroquais as teammates.

11. A supporting cast made up of various theater geeks from Houston area high-schools.

12. Michael Jordan sitting court-side at every road arena, screaming in his ear about the scoring title

13. No running water, plumbing, clean sheets, or heat all of his away game accommodations.

14. Only peanut butter sandwiches and a glass of milk as daily sustenance.


Unfortunately for the Houston Rockets, James Harden simply cannot expend this much energy for the next 35 regular season games and hope to have anything close to full strength left for the playoffs. As a result, James Harden should sit out for a two-to-three week stretch surrounding the All-Star Break, collect himself, while resting quietly, eating healthy and sleeping soundly…and then continue annihilating all opponents starting again in early March.

Writing. Poetry. Personal Essays. On the NBA, MLB, media, journalism, culture, teaching and humor.

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