Real GM’s NBA Headlines (Insert Comment): December 17–23

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Coffee, Typewriter, NBA News.

*Daryl Morey: “Beating the Warriors is the Only Thing We Think About” (We Don’t Worry About Trump, the Environment, Threats of Nuclear War, Income Inequality, Decline of the Middle Class, Lies and Propaganda…We Don’t Think About Our Families, Our Wives, Our Children…We Think About the Warriors)

*Isaiah Thomas Nearly Ready To Begin 5-On-5 Practice (After Shaking the Rust Off, Will Ramp up to 6-on-6, then 7-on-7)

*Stephen Curry Ruled Out of Christmas Day Game Against Cavs (Will Play on Passover, Easter and Memorial Day, if Necessary)

*Marc Gasol: “My Job is Not Allowing Anyone to Throw Away the Season” (Despite Their Record, Memphis Will Play Harder, Tougher and Scrappier Than Your Team, and If Any Grizzlies Teammates Don’t Play Hard Enough or Scrappy Enough, Marc Gasol Will Bring His DVD of High School Musical to Their Hotel Room and Force Them to Watch It Three Times In a Row Instead of Sleep, Then Pay the Hotel Security People to Tell Him if Said Player Stayed Up All Night Watching It)

*LaVar Ball Starting League For High School Graduates (No SAT scores or GPA Required, But You Will Have to Deal With LaVar Ball)

*Trey Burke Named G-League Player of the Week (Trophy Said to Be “In the Mail,” Though Previous G-League “Players of the Week” Claim Trophy Never Arrived)

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G-League Player of the Week Trophy, which may or may not arrive.

*Lakers Hired Rob Pelinka to “Implement Magic Johnson’s Vision” (Though Admits Throwing No-Look Passes More Difficult in Cramped Office)

*Kobe Bryant Feels 12–13 Season Was His Peak (But Insists He Had Multiple Peaks and Zero Valleys)

*Nets Sign Milton Doyle to Two-Way Contract (Rest of Nets Reserves Wondering if Doyle Will Get Any of Their Minutes, Searching Google to Figure Out Where Milton Doyle Came From)

*Thunder Not Yet Considering Paul George Trade (GM Sam Presti is Considering Firing Billy Donovan, Switching Eyeglasses, and Possibly Quitting Blue Apron, But Says Its too Early to Consider Trading George)

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Thunder GM Sam Presti With Lots to Consider this Holiday Season.

*Paul George: “We’ve Never Had Chemistry Problems” (And We Got a New Tutor To Help With Pre-Calculus and AP Lit)

*Dirk Nowitzki Encouraged by Health, Expects to Play Next Season (Cuban Tells Each Season Ticket-Holder That Dirk Will Leave Voice Message For Them, Thanking Them for One More Opportunity to Delay the Inevitable)


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