This Worldwide Pandemic Is Being Brought To You By…

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photo courtesy Visual Hunt
  1. Generic single-ply toilet paper.

Dissolving quickly so its safer for your plumbing. When the apocalypse comes, you make sure that anus is clean!

2. Zoom Meeting!

For those work meetings that won’t fit around a conference table. Nobody knows if you’re wearing pants under the desk. If you don’t own a desk, just use old Amazon boxes and kneel in front of one. Zoom Meeting! Confusing most people over 55 and some of each age range for as long as we’ve been around!

3. Netflix

Binge, stream, chill. You ain’t going anywhere.

4. Parenting-at-Home

In 28 easy installments of $9.99, Parenting-at-home will guide you through every phase of parenting, from infancy to toddler-hood right up through high school. Get to know your children again, just stay at least six feet away from them for the next few months.

5. Unions

Remember when workers had protections and benefits? Remember when one-third of the workers in our economy weren’t depending on part-time jobs with little security or benefits? Unions. Those pesky organizations that helped America build a middle-class.

6. Amazon

We don’t like it when you leave your house. We like it when you buy things at home and wait for us to bring you things, like toilet paper, throat lozenges, masks, gloves and dog food.

7. Pets

Pets have been keeping you company for years, and yet you used to leave them all alone for long stretches of the day. Sometimes you didn’t even make it home for their dinner time! Sometimes they had to poop on the living room rug! Now you stay with them all the time…because you have no choice. Pets, always there for you when you need them…and ready to bark at anything.

8. Meditation

Admit it, you used to think you’d take the time to meditate one day..but that day never came. Well here the fuck it is! As your anxiety skyrockets, look for a quick-and-easy fix for all of your inner demons and control issues. Meditation: the westernized version. We have thousands of apps for you to choose from. What are you waiting for? Clear your mind today!

9. The History of Philosophy

What did all of the major thinkers in human history have in common? Time! They read a lot. They sat a lot. They smoked pipes. They wrote things with old pencils and pens. The more modern ones even had typewriters. You’ve got a keyboard. You’ve got time. Make some shit up! Philosophize! What are we doing here on this pale blue dot, spinning through the cosmos? No better time than the present. What day is it anyway?

10. Planet Earth

Planet Earth, the planet humans have been destroying for centuries, but more rapidly destroying with CO2 emissions over the last century. Planet Earth, the place that you’ve been taking for granted for most of your life, the place where you live, the place you can see from your window.

11. Science

Sometimes, science just wins…which makes our study of science pretty damn important.

Thanks to all of the people in the medical profession. Thanks to all of the grocery store employees. Thanks to all of the delivery drivers. Thanks to all of the leaders who are actually leading right now. Be safe, everyone. Appreciate what you have and reach out to everyone you care about. Be kind.

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